A dream can be more than a feeling...

As the day comes to an end things start to come together in my mind.

Last night I had a dream that, when I woke, left me wondering who it was trying to get into the room with me in my dream. I couldn't tell you all the details leading up to it, but what I will say, I had locked myself in a room, hiding in a corner willing the mystery person out and away from me. I was alone aside from this person trying to get in. Though they weren't actively trying to break down the door, rather they were searching for me. It was dark, the images and feeling. There was a very faint light that allowed for me to track the being through the crack in the door. I focused hard on it as it wavered on the other side of the door. Standing between me and freedom of escape from whatever the being is or represented. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and opened my eyes to find a faith light and no being. I took a moment before approaching the door. As I placed my hand on the handle listening carefully, I closed my eyes again taking a moment before chancing facing the daunting unknown negative being. As I gripped the handle tightly i made the decision to turn the knob, before my muscles caught up with my intention, I woke wide awake.

Through out the day I've felt distracted. It was snowing outside which for the first time in my life prompted me to want to shovel, telling myself it was for my dog. I did. I decided I needed to run to the store, spent the time trying to get out of my driveway. I went to the first store, I felt scattered. By the time I checked out I was on guard, from what I don't know. I drove to the next store, prior to parking I felt the need to continuously check behind me, not taking a direct path to my destination. Inside the store I felt the need to be aware of everything. Pausing repeatedly to "think" about what I needed. I felt like I was being watched. I've had the feeling before but the last time I had the feeling this strong, a break in occurred at my neighbor's and the police told him they had to have" been watching us for months." By the time I checked out I felt as though I couldn't bring myself to look at anyone in the face but the cashier, totally out of my nature. As I walked out of the store, I felt the safest as I followed on the heals of an older gentleman walking to him car. I had to get in my car as fast as possible and lock the door. I chose to fore go putting the bags in the trunk and threw them in my front seat with me, only one door to open, close, and lock. As I backed up, there was a black figure outside my rear passenger window, when I turned away and back again it was gone. All I could do is continue to say, "not now." A phone call to a friend and a rush in the snow home, I've continued to be on edge.

I have a lot of stress at the moment, but it isn't a stress panic, it's a something else. Past that I don't have much I can say, other than I need to do something to keep myself ahead of this darkness. In part I know it is a warning of some kind, in other, I know there is a truth to it.

My own test - Whole 30

Everyone has struggles in their life. Each struggle is different for each person. My struggles are no different in that they are unique to me and no one else can bare them for me.

One of the greatest struggles in my life has been my self esteem. I never viewed myself as smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, popular enough etc. Growing up means a lot of things, including putting those things into perspective.

I'm very smart and pretty. I'm overweight. I have friends and acquaintances, I just have a had time with time management for building stronger relationships. Everything has been broken down in my mind, to doable tasks. Some more natural than others.

The one that I've tackled the hardest, the overweight part. Don't get me wrong I'm still overweight, but I decided to stop dwelling on what I couldn't control and start focusing on what I could, myself. In July 2011, I began the scariest thing of all, Crossfit. Crossfit wasn't scary for any other reason than in challenged yourself. It pushed you in ways you didn't think you could push yourself. It forces you to be humble. It forces you to face your biggest critic, yourself.

Crossfit has a way of breaking you down and building you up at the same time. Before I knew it, I wasn't only addicted, I was different. I was strong.

I may not have been able to do as many pull ups as I once could, or push up military style, but I was strong. The strength wasn't just in the weight I was lifting, but in the drive I had to push through the tough parts and finish. The mentality that the pain was just temporary. The positivity that everything was going to be ok.

I was physically, mentally, and emotionally stronger than I have ever been, because I was all three.

Crossfit and Paleo go together, as does the Whole 30 challenge.

I've challenged myself to the Whole 30 challenge.

 The Whole 30 is 30 days dairy, sugar, grain, soy, leguine, and alcohol free. I'm finishing day 5 now as I finish this blog and prepare for bed. It is easier in many ways than I thought it would be. Though it is difficult to think I can't have a drink when I want it because I want to relax.

When your outlet frustrates you, you find your second outlet, my second outlet isn't a choice until February 1st, so that isn't helping either, which is was the blogs are happening right now. I don't want to vent, so to speak, I want to focus on the positives in a way. It lowers my stress that way.

I challenge myself to finish this challenge. What happens after that is something I'll worry about then. I'm not thinking about February 1st and beyond. I'm thinking about tonight and tomorrow. Those are my focus points. Any more than that and the overwhelming "can I really do this" comes in and rattles my cage. I have "supportive" people doing that for me.

I see it as this. If I can make it the 30 days on this challenge, I can do anything. Not because it is food, or because it is Crossfit. Because it is taking away things I enjoy for good reasons and bring in the mind over matter situation mentality that a part of me knows is strong, but I have never really used for my own benefit before.

With day six coming, we shall see where it takes me.

Resolutions

Every year I make resolutions and every I break them. With this New Year, I made myself promises. I don't make promises I don't intend to keep.

I promised myself the will power to do anything I put my mind to.

I promised myself I will be more social and open up my narrow field.

I promised myself I would be stronger four months from now than I was four months ago.

I promised myself I would do anything to build a better bridge to my ideal career.

I promised myself I would be willing to try new opportunities.

I promised myself I wouldn't blow off help.

I promised myself I would stand up for myself always, even when I'm alone.

These aren't my resolutions for the new year, they are my promises that this will be the best year yet.

It's been a while

A long while since I wrote last, but that's ok.

Really this is just coming from the fact that I'm at a weird breaking point at the moment and the only way to really process it is to write it out.

This has been the longest short week. I keep telling myself it isn't an indication of how the rest of the year is going to go but there needs to be a serious change now. I can feel my "don't give a shit" attitude coming to the surface and although most would say that's a good thing, for me it kind of isn't. My "don't give a shit" phase is never a good thing, if it progresses, it turns to the "seeing red" stage, a stage I've only encountered a few times in my life but what scares me is the last time it hit, it didn't scare me. Yes you read that right, it scared me that I didn't scare myself.

I keep specific company for a good reason. There are only a few people that 1.) will put up with me in that stage 2.) can get me out of that stage 3.) hadn't caused me to hit the "don't give a shit" stage.

Some have called it weird, but I know myself like no one else. I go through phases. I can't tell you when some are coming or how long any will last, but generally "seeing red" causes DRASTIC life changes. Quitting a job, kicking people out of my life, etc.

It's not a bipolar thing, believe me, that would almost be easier for me to understand, it's a circumstances thing. If outside forces keep pushing at me with no breathing room my defenses if you will hit hard. Skipping right over the other phases that generally come before the "don't give a shit" phase.

Kind of like my "food is dirt" phase. I go through phases where all food is dirt. It all tastes the same and that same isn't pleasant. Whether it is my favorite food or the most disgusting food.

At the moment I'm see-sawing the "don't give a shit" phase and am slowing coming out of the "food is dirt" phase. I'm crawling in my own skin like there is something I'm missing but I don't know what but something inside me does. No part of me wants to hit the "don't give a shit" phase, there is something I'm missing that is causing me to catapult from everything is fine to don't give a shit so quickly. The irritation is building in me on it's own that the outside negativity is being amplified.

It doesn't help the the negativity is seriously negative and pisses me off anyway.

I'm not stagnate, at the moment I am, but I know I'm not stuck, just driving through molasses while having mud smeared on me. As long as I come out shiny clean on the other side, everything will be alright.