It's been a while

A long while since I wrote last, but that's ok.

Really this is just coming from the fact that I'm at a weird breaking point at the moment and the only way to really process it is to write it out.

This has been the longest short week. I keep telling myself it isn't an indication of how the rest of the year is going to go but there needs to be a serious change now. I can feel my "don't give a shit" attitude coming to the surface and although most would say that's a good thing, for me it kind of isn't. My "don't give a shit" phase is never a good thing, if it progresses, it turns to the "seeing red" stage, a stage I've only encountered a few times in my life but what scares me is the last time it hit, it didn't scare me. Yes you read that right, it scared me that I didn't scare myself.

I keep specific company for a good reason. There are only a few people that 1.) will put up with me in that stage 2.) can get me out of that stage 3.) hadn't caused me to hit the "don't give a shit" stage.

Some have called it weird, but I know myself like no one else. I go through phases. I can't tell you when some are coming or how long any will last, but generally "seeing red" causes DRASTIC life changes. Quitting a job, kicking people out of my life, etc.

It's not a bipolar thing, believe me, that would almost be easier for me to understand, it's a circumstances thing. If outside forces keep pushing at me with no breathing room my defenses if you will hit hard. Skipping right over the other phases that generally come before the "don't give a shit" phase.

Kind of like my "food is dirt" phase. I go through phases where all food is dirt. It all tastes the same and that same isn't pleasant. Whether it is my favorite food or the most disgusting food.

At the moment I'm see-sawing the "don't give a shit" phase and am slowing coming out of the "food is dirt" phase. I'm crawling in my own skin like there is something I'm missing but I don't know what but something inside me does. No part of me wants to hit the "don't give a shit" phase, there is something I'm missing that is causing me to catapult from everything is fine to don't give a shit so quickly. The irritation is building in me on it's own that the outside negativity is being amplified.

It doesn't help the the negativity is seriously negative and pisses me off anyway.

I'm not stagnate, at the moment I am, but I know I'm not stuck, just driving through molasses while having mud smeared on me. As long as I come out shiny clean on the other side, everything will be alright.