As the day comes to an end things start to come together in my mind.
Last night I had a dream that, when I woke, left me wondering who it was trying to get into the room with me in my dream. I couldn't tell you all the details leading up to it, but what I will say, I had locked myself in a room, hiding in a corner willing the mystery person out and away from me. I was alone aside from this person trying to get in. Though they weren't actively trying to break down the door, rather they were searching for me. It was dark, the images and feeling. There was a very faint light that allowed for me to track the being through the crack in the door. I focused hard on it as it wavered on the other side of the door. Standing between me and freedom of escape from whatever the being is or represented. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and opened my eyes to find a faith light and no being. I took a moment before approaching the door. As I placed my hand on the handle listening carefully, I closed my eyes again taking a moment before chancing facing the daunting unknown negative being. As I gripped the handle tightly i made the decision to turn the knob, before my muscles caught up with my intention, I woke wide awake.
Through out the day I've felt distracted. It was snowing outside which for the first time in my life prompted me to want to shovel, telling myself it was for my dog. I did. I decided I needed to run to the store, spent the time trying to get out of my driveway. I went to the first store, I felt scattered. By the time I checked out I was on guard, from what I don't know. I drove to the next store, prior to parking I felt the need to continuously check behind me, not taking a direct path to my destination. Inside the store I felt the need to be aware of everything. Pausing repeatedly to "think" about what I needed. I felt like I was being watched. I've had the feeling before but the last time I had the feeling this strong, a break in occurred at my neighbor's and the police told him they had to have" been watching us for months." By the time I checked out I felt as though I couldn't bring myself to look at anyone in the face but the cashier, totally out of my nature. As I walked out of the store, I felt the safest as I followed on the heals of an older gentleman walking to him car. I had to get in my car as fast as possible and lock the door. I chose to fore go putting the bags in the trunk and threw them in my front seat with me, only one door to open, close, and lock. As I backed up, there was a black figure outside my rear passenger window, when I turned away and back again it was gone. All I could do is continue to say, "not now." A phone call to a friend and a rush in the snow home, I've continued to be on edge.
I have a lot of stress at the moment, but it isn't a stress panic, it's a something else. Past that I don't have much I can say, other than I need to do something to keep myself ahead of this darkness. In part I know it is a warning of some kind, in other, I know there is a truth to it.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
My own test - Whole 30
Everyone has struggles in their life. Each struggle is different for each person. My struggles are no different in that they are unique to me and no one else can bare them for me.
One of the greatest struggles in my life has been my self esteem. I never viewed myself as smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, popular enough etc. Growing up means a lot of things, including putting those things into perspective.
I'm very smart and pretty. I'm overweight. I have friends and acquaintances, I just have a had time with time management for building stronger relationships. Everything has been broken down in my mind, to doable tasks. Some more natural than others.
The one that I've tackled the hardest, the overweight part. Don't get me wrong I'm still overweight, but I decided to stop dwelling on what I couldn't control and start focusing on what I could, myself. In July 2011, I began the scariest thing of all, Crossfit. Crossfit wasn't scary for any other reason than in challenged yourself. It pushed you in ways you didn't think you could push yourself. It forces you to be humble. It forces you to face your biggest critic, yourself.
Crossfit has a way of breaking you down and building you up at the same time. Before I knew it, I wasn't only addicted, I was different. I was strong.
I may not have been able to do as many pull ups as I once could, or push up military style, but I was strong. The strength wasn't just in the weight I was lifting, but in the drive I had to push through the tough parts and finish. The mentality that the pain was just temporary. The positivity that everything was going to be ok.
I was physically, mentally, and emotionally stronger than I have ever been, because I was all three.
Crossfit and Paleo go together, as does the Whole 30 challenge.
I've challenged myself to the Whole 30 challenge.
The Whole 30 is 30 days dairy, sugar, grain, soy, leguine, and alcohol free. I'm finishing day 5 now as I finish this blog and prepare for bed. It is easier in many ways than I thought it would be. Though it is difficult to think I can't have a drink when I want it because I want to relax.
When your outlet frustrates you, you find your second outlet, my second outlet isn't a choice until February 1st, so that isn't helping either, which is was the blogs are happening right now. I don't want to vent, so to speak, I want to focus on the positives in a way. It lowers my stress that way.
I challenge myself to finish this challenge. What happens after that is something I'll worry about then. I'm not thinking about February 1st and beyond. I'm thinking about tonight and tomorrow. Those are my focus points. Any more than that and the overwhelming "can I really do this" comes in and rattles my cage. I have "supportive" people doing that for me.
I see it as this. If I can make it the 30 days on this challenge, I can do anything. Not because it is food, or because it is Crossfit. Because it is taking away things I enjoy for good reasons and bring in the mind over matter situation mentality that a part of me knows is strong, but I have never really used for my own benefit before.
With day six coming, we shall see where it takes me.
Resolutions
Every year I make resolutions and every I break them. With this New Year, I made myself promises. I don't make promises I don't intend to keep.
I promised myself the will power to do anything I put my mind to.
I promised myself I will be more social and open up my narrow field.
I promised myself I would be stronger four months from now than I was four months ago.
I promised myself I would do anything to build a better bridge to my ideal career.
I promised myself I would be willing to try new opportunities.
I promised myself I wouldn't blow off help.
I promised myself I would stand up for myself always, even when I'm alone.
These aren't my resolutions for the new year, they are my promises that this will be the best year yet.
I promised myself the will power to do anything I put my mind to.
I promised myself I will be more social and open up my narrow field.
I promised myself I would be stronger four months from now than I was four months ago.
I promised myself I would do anything to build a better bridge to my ideal career.
I promised myself I would be willing to try new opportunities.
I promised myself I wouldn't blow off help.
I promised myself I would stand up for myself always, even when I'm alone.
These aren't my resolutions for the new year, they are my promises that this will be the best year yet.
It's been a while
A long while since I wrote last, but that's ok.
Really this is just coming from the fact that I'm at a weird breaking point at the moment and the only way to really process it is to write it out.
This has been the longest short week. I keep telling myself it isn't an indication of how the rest of the year is going to go but there needs to be a serious change now. I can feel my "don't give a shit" attitude coming to the surface and although most would say that's a good thing, for me it kind of isn't. My "don't give a shit" phase is never a good thing, if it progresses, it turns to the "seeing red" stage, a stage I've only encountered a few times in my life but what scares me is the last time it hit, it didn't scare me. Yes you read that right, it scared me that I didn't scare myself.
I keep specific company for a good reason. There are only a few people that 1.) will put up with me in that stage 2.) can get me out of that stage 3.) hadn't caused me to hit the "don't give a shit" stage.
Some have called it weird, but I know myself like no one else. I go through phases. I can't tell you when some are coming or how long any will last, but generally "seeing red" causes DRASTIC life changes. Quitting a job, kicking people out of my life, etc.
It's not a bipolar thing, believe me, that would almost be easier for me to understand, it's a circumstances thing. If outside forces keep pushing at me with no breathing room my defenses if you will hit hard. Skipping right over the other phases that generally come before the "don't give a shit" phase.
Kind of like my "food is dirt" phase. I go through phases where all food is dirt. It all tastes the same and that same isn't pleasant. Whether it is my favorite food or the most disgusting food.
At the moment I'm see-sawing the "don't give a shit" phase and am slowing coming out of the "food is dirt" phase. I'm crawling in my own skin like there is something I'm missing but I don't know what but something inside me does. No part of me wants to hit the "don't give a shit" phase, there is something I'm missing that is causing me to catapult from everything is fine to don't give a shit so quickly. The irritation is building in me on it's own that the outside negativity is being amplified.
It doesn't help the the negativity is seriously negative and pisses me off anyway.
I'm not stagnate, at the moment I am, but I know I'm not stuck, just driving through molasses while having mud smeared on me. As long as I come out shiny clean on the other side, everything will be alright.
Really this is just coming from the fact that I'm at a weird breaking point at the moment and the only way to really process it is to write it out.
This has been the longest short week. I keep telling myself it isn't an indication of how the rest of the year is going to go but there needs to be a serious change now. I can feel my "don't give a shit" attitude coming to the surface and although most would say that's a good thing, for me it kind of isn't. My "don't give a shit" phase is never a good thing, if it progresses, it turns to the "seeing red" stage, a stage I've only encountered a few times in my life but what scares me is the last time it hit, it didn't scare me. Yes you read that right, it scared me that I didn't scare myself.
I keep specific company for a good reason. There are only a few people that 1.) will put up with me in that stage 2.) can get me out of that stage 3.) hadn't caused me to hit the "don't give a shit" stage.
Some have called it weird, but I know myself like no one else. I go through phases. I can't tell you when some are coming or how long any will last, but generally "seeing red" causes DRASTIC life changes. Quitting a job, kicking people out of my life, etc.
It's not a bipolar thing, believe me, that would almost be easier for me to understand, it's a circumstances thing. If outside forces keep pushing at me with no breathing room my defenses if you will hit hard. Skipping right over the other phases that generally come before the "don't give a shit" phase.
Kind of like my "food is dirt" phase. I go through phases where all food is dirt. It all tastes the same and that same isn't pleasant. Whether it is my favorite food or the most disgusting food.
At the moment I'm see-sawing the "don't give a shit" phase and am slowing coming out of the "food is dirt" phase. I'm crawling in my own skin like there is something I'm missing but I don't know what but something inside me does. No part of me wants to hit the "don't give a shit" phase, there is something I'm missing that is causing me to catapult from everything is fine to don't give a shit so quickly. The irritation is building in me on it's own that the outside negativity is being amplified.
It doesn't help the the negativity is seriously negative and pisses me off anyway.
I'm not stagnate, at the moment I am, but I know I'm not stuck, just driving through molasses while having mud smeared on me. As long as I come out shiny clean on the other side, everything will be alright.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
where i belong
This is now the second questioning why im here. Not in a creepy way just I feel out of place snd I wonder how much longer Im going to waste away before allowing myself to be founf. I tslk often about Ireland simply because it was the one place in my life I felt right. No matter what may hsve come my way I was going to be ok. I was going to make it work. Since thenIfeel like Ive been living a lie. Going through yhe motions. All because I dont believe Ive found where I belong. Now thetr is an invisible timer counting doen once sgain. Ticking louder than sny of the others. Your window is closing though you wont know hoe long you hsve until the window slsms shut. Too late is not an option.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Grunts cont. 18+ please
Watching Aisley walk away was painful to both full blooded males. Her long straight hair covered her strong bare shoulders. Her teal strapless top sat low over her full breasts, covering the waist band on her white skirt falling to her mid thigh.
"Brah, what are you gonna do?" Fin whispered, watching Aisley walk away.
"What am I supposed to do? I'm gonna lose her, I know it. She's gonna leave me." Joe punched the couch cushion. "I feel like a pre teen again man. I'm stuck, clueless." The embarrassment showed on Joe's face.
"I think you know what you need to do, just don't know how." Fin spoke confidently adjusting in his seat.
Aisley walked back to the living room pausing in the doorway. Both men fell silent.
The problem was Aisley loved Joe. She couldn't explain it but she did, the problem was she couldn't see with the torture that left her so close to what she needed but never close enough to make it over the edge.
Sex wasn't everything but it was a big problem.
Biting her cheek she stared between the two men drinking on the couch. They looked like two boys caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
Her Joe was tall with broad shoulders just like she liked. His arms were strong but like the rest of his body, his strenth sat a few inches fat giving him the teddy bear look. One of the reasons she had fallen for him, feeling safe in his arms.
But even with her man sitting on the same couch, his friend was something to look at...and think about when things weren't going so well. He was taller than Joe by three inches. His shoulders were just as broad only defined as were his arms. His body reminded her move of a TV wrestler than anything else. The bounds of muscle and minimal fat, except his beer float covering the six pack. Dark hair and bright blue eyes. It was hard to deny how attractive he was.
"So...whatcha doin?" Aisley asked hesitantly. Crossing her arms over her chest leaning against the wall.
Both men shook their heads in sync.
Aisley rolled her eyes walking into the kitchen. She could hear the whispers from the living room, but couldn't make out the words. They were plotting something. She pictured their hand gestures and eye movements working together to make some syncronized ambush.
She laughed at the thought. It was like a game, only they had lived it and she knew it.
She began making desert for dinner.
"Joe, babe, I need you to get me the glass casserole dish." She called never turning around. It hurt her to think she wouldn't be able to handle the distance she had caused, but there was no way to minimize it. Not without it feeling like a lesson rather than natural desire. That's what was missing, the subtlies.
"I'll be there in a minute." Joe called back.
She continued working on the concoction. Finishing with the mixture she leaned against the counter crossing her arms over her chest.
"Joe?"
"Just a minute babe."
"You said that twenty minutes ago." She muttered to herself. Grabbing a chair and pulling it to the counter she began climbing up attempting to keep her skirt in place.
She never wore skirts. The skirt had been an invitation for Joe to make a move. It's how it always had been, she gave him an invitation, he was clueless, she made it obvious and then he made a move. This time she was really regretting the lack of panties idea she had going with this one.
She had forgotten Fin was spending the week with them. He had arrived while she was out. Her plan was that she would go out, pantiless in a skirt, come home and let Joe know what she had been up to. She counted on that jealous streak in him to take over and claim her.
Fin being here had killed that idea.
She placed the dish on the counter and began to plan her descent.
"Need help?"
Aisley looked quickly over her shoulder. Fin was leaning against the counter next to her beer in hand. For a brief second she forgot the thin short material covering her.
"Uhm...can you just move that." Pointing to the dish.
He picked it up and dropped it on the table, returning to his post.
"Anything else you need...help...with?" Fin emphasized the word 'help' with a seductive tone in his voice.
Aisley turned and sat on the counter, the chair had been moved out of the way. She could sense there was something else in his words.
"You know I'm your boy's girl...right?" Aisley straightened her skirt, avoiding the slide off the counter to keep her skirt in place.
"I'm well aware." Fin licked his lips walking over to Aisley.
She knew it was wrong but the rush of heat ran through her body having Fin so close to her. This is what she had intended for Joe, she couldn't stop her body's reaction to him.
Fin's hand slid up her thigh
"Brah, what are you gonna do?" Fin whispered, watching Aisley walk away.
"What am I supposed to do? I'm gonna lose her, I know it. She's gonna leave me." Joe punched the couch cushion. "I feel like a pre teen again man. I'm stuck, clueless." The embarrassment showed on Joe's face.
"I think you know what you need to do, just don't know how." Fin spoke confidently adjusting in his seat.
Aisley walked back to the living room pausing in the doorway. Both men fell silent.
The problem was Aisley loved Joe. She couldn't explain it but she did, the problem was she couldn't see with the torture that left her so close to what she needed but never close enough to make it over the edge.
Sex wasn't everything but it was a big problem.
Biting her cheek she stared between the two men drinking on the couch. They looked like two boys caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
Her Joe was tall with broad shoulders just like she liked. His arms were strong but like the rest of his body, his strenth sat a few inches fat giving him the teddy bear look. One of the reasons she had fallen for him, feeling safe in his arms.
But even with her man sitting on the same couch, his friend was something to look at...and think about when things weren't going so well. He was taller than Joe by three inches. His shoulders were just as broad only defined as were his arms. His body reminded her move of a TV wrestler than anything else. The bounds of muscle and minimal fat, except his beer float covering the six pack. Dark hair and bright blue eyes. It was hard to deny how attractive he was.
"So...whatcha doin?" Aisley asked hesitantly. Crossing her arms over her chest leaning against the wall.
Both men shook their heads in sync.
Aisley rolled her eyes walking into the kitchen. She could hear the whispers from the living room, but couldn't make out the words. They were plotting something. She pictured their hand gestures and eye movements working together to make some syncronized ambush.
She laughed at the thought. It was like a game, only they had lived it and she knew it.
She began making desert for dinner.
"Joe, babe, I need you to get me the glass casserole dish." She called never turning around. It hurt her to think she wouldn't be able to handle the distance she had caused, but there was no way to minimize it. Not without it feeling like a lesson rather than natural desire. That's what was missing, the subtlies.
"I'll be there in a minute." Joe called back.
She continued working on the concoction. Finishing with the mixture she leaned against the counter crossing her arms over her chest.
"Joe?"
"Just a minute babe."
"You said that twenty minutes ago." She muttered to herself. Grabbing a chair and pulling it to the counter she began climbing up attempting to keep her skirt in place.
She never wore skirts. The skirt had been an invitation for Joe to make a move. It's how it always had been, she gave him an invitation, he was clueless, she made it obvious and then he made a move. This time she was really regretting the lack of panties idea she had going with this one.
She had forgotten Fin was spending the week with them. He had arrived while she was out. Her plan was that she would go out, pantiless in a skirt, come home and let Joe know what she had been up to. She counted on that jealous streak in him to take over and claim her.
Fin being here had killed that idea.
She placed the dish on the counter and began to plan her descent.
"Need help?"
Aisley looked quickly over her shoulder. Fin was leaning against the counter next to her beer in hand. For a brief second she forgot the thin short material covering her.
"Uhm...can you just move that." Pointing to the dish.
He picked it up and dropped it on the table, returning to his post.
"Anything else you need...help...with?" Fin emphasized the word 'help' with a seductive tone in his voice.
Aisley turned and sat on the counter, the chair had been moved out of the way. She could sense there was something else in his words.
"You know I'm your boy's girl...right?" Aisley straightened her skirt, avoiding the slide off the counter to keep her skirt in place.
"I'm well aware." Fin licked his lips walking over to Aisley.
She knew it was wrong but the rush of heat ran through her body having Fin so close to her. This is what she had intended for Joe, she couldn't stop her body's reaction to him.
Fin's hand slid up her thigh
The safest place in Boston...at 4 am
I'm a pretty awesome person, not to sound vain but I'm confident of that fact. Still, pretty crappy things happen to good people and Karma can't act fast enough sometimes.
The evening was clear and the streets filled walking up to the Cathedral of Boston aka Fenway Park for the epic rivalry of Sox vs. Yankees (9-5 us for a final score...I'm magic baby!) Having the expectation that something fun would be happening was great. Unfortunately, my "friend" was, well, herself and I was a fool.
We drank at a local hot spot just to have an older woman get in our faces over knowing the bar tenders and kicking us out because she didn't like the response time as we didn't say how high when she commanded we jump. I'm not one to be intimidated or threatened, but the woman clinging desperately to youth thought she had game making empty threats. The drama I can't stand.
My "friend" decided to make friends with two men 30 years older than us. I'm cool with getting life advice and inspiration from someone. Totally game. For me that's what one of the men was. My friend however spent the time trying to get in his pants.
The journey led to them getting us kicked out, getting kicked out of another bar one of the men being too drunk and leading to a final club.
I'm not a club person when I'm invited let alone when it is a surprise. The club led to me telling my "friend" I'd wait for her outside as she had said we could leave.
While outside I met a group of individual's from Ireland who are living in the country for three months. The conversations were about the country the accents chivarlry, all pleasant. I walked away with two emails to simply discuss Ireland further with the boys my age.
That's when the fun really began.
Walking the street trying to find my "friend" never leaving the comfort of the historic landmark that is Fenway Park I was hit on by a few individuals. On a normal day I would have been flattered. At 2am in the middle of Boston when your ride home is MIA? Not so much.
After about a dozens calls my "friend" answers the phone to inform me she was down some alley having sex with a guy she found in the club. And to come find her.
I told her to find her way back to the Park. It is well known and hard to miss. The corner of 42nd and Brookline, not so much. 45 minutes later she calls to ask me where the car is parked. Yawkey Way. One of the most recognizable streets in Boston, especially for a Sox fan.
Then the question came about, "So you don't want to hang out with some guys tonight?" 3am, not so interested in going to a strangers apartment period let alone after you've put out for one.
She says to find her, take her keys and drive home because she doesn't get out much anymore and she didn't want me ruining her night. I nearly punched a metal post stopping myself short of contact to end with slapping the green beast instead.
Attempting to find her, I refused to leave the cover of Fenway period. As the phone tag began to find her I sought the help of the security guards at the Gate. "You're relatively safe over here." is what one of them had said to me. "Relatively" had to be "good enough" for the time. Leaving the relative safety of the guards I walked to "the Citgo Sign" in Kenmore Square finding her and the male with her.
She requested a cigarette and chanced after a group of individuals to ask them disappearing...again.
I turned to the male and said "I'm not normally a bitch but this is bullshit. I just want my ride home at this point and wondering Boston at 3am by myself is not what I consider fun." He said he just wanted to make sure she was safe and she had mentioned me so he needed to know she was safe. If he was looking for me to appreciate the"kind gesture" it was not received in kind.
When my "friend" returned with doritos, from where I don't know. She turns to me and says, "So I'm taking you home." Looks at the other guy and says, "Want to hang out after?" He informed her he was from Philly and was only up here for a bit and had no intention to move up to Boston after one night.
My "friend" stormed off past both of us. I let her go and began yelling for her to turn down YAWKEY WAY billboarding myself to walk down the correct street. She waved me off and continued walking straight into the dark of Boston streets.
My options limited I called...my dad. The minute I knew he was coming to save me the wave of tears hit me.
In those 60 minutes along with texts I received a phone call from a Boston number. My "friend" had her 'you're ruining my life' attitude asking me once again where the car was. I told her it was off Yawkey Way. She said she was trying to get home. I said my ride was coming. Her response, "Oh you have a ride?" There was a male voice in the background, a part of me knows it was the guy from high school when he said "Where is she I'll go get her." My "friend" responded to him "She has a ride she's fine." and hung up. He called back and I heard my "friend" say "NO!" and the phone hung up again.
Waiting for an hour in Boston bymyself, I made sure of three things: 1.) The security guards at gate D were BOTH aware of me 2.) I began texting two people I trust full heartedly in the event tragedy struck there would be a form of a time line to work from and 3.) I parked myself at gate D picnic tables, in the shades but direct line of the guards and did not move for 60 minutes until the phone rang and my ride saved me.
I wouldn't say I was "lost" in Boston, I was simply "left" to fend for myself. With that, like a How To 101 I'd say the best thing I did was not go searching for my "friend" not because I didn't care, but simply because I stood in a well known landmark, no denying the location of while she found her way in and out dark alleys and street corners.
The result being I recieved a phone call at 6:30 saying she couldn't find her car still and the tone in her voice was that of sadness and shock that I would not be bailing her out. Over 50 times I told her where the car was. If she had decided to find her way to the Park on Yawkey Way I would have had no problem directing her more clearly to the parking structure signage on the infamous street.
I'll be mourning the loss of my favorite sweatshirt as it sits in her car and I'm sure there will be deliberate damage to it given how the evening went. There will be other sweatshirts that win me over. As for "friend", if I need quotations to express the relationship, it isn't something I need in my life.
"Who needs enemies with friends like that."
The evening was clear and the streets filled walking up to the Cathedral of Boston aka Fenway Park for the epic rivalry of Sox vs. Yankees (9-5 us for a final score...I'm magic baby!) Having the expectation that something fun would be happening was great. Unfortunately, my "friend" was, well, herself and I was a fool.
We drank at a local hot spot just to have an older woman get in our faces over knowing the bar tenders and kicking us out because she didn't like the response time as we didn't say how high when she commanded we jump. I'm not one to be intimidated or threatened, but the woman clinging desperately to youth thought she had game making empty threats. The drama I can't stand.
My "friend" decided to make friends with two men 30 years older than us. I'm cool with getting life advice and inspiration from someone. Totally game. For me that's what one of the men was. My friend however spent the time trying to get in his pants.
The journey led to them getting us kicked out, getting kicked out of another bar one of the men being too drunk and leading to a final club.
I'm not a club person when I'm invited let alone when it is a surprise. The club led to me telling my "friend" I'd wait for her outside as she had said we could leave.
While outside I met a group of individual's from Ireland who are living in the country for three months. The conversations were about the country the accents chivarlry, all pleasant. I walked away with two emails to simply discuss Ireland further with the boys my age.
That's when the fun really began.
Walking the street trying to find my "friend" never leaving the comfort of the historic landmark that is Fenway Park I was hit on by a few individuals. On a normal day I would have been flattered. At 2am in the middle of Boston when your ride home is MIA? Not so much.
After about a dozens calls my "friend" answers the phone to inform me she was down some alley having sex with a guy she found in the club. And to come find her.
I told her to find her way back to the Park. It is well known and hard to miss. The corner of 42nd and Brookline, not so much. 45 minutes later she calls to ask me where the car is parked. Yawkey Way. One of the most recognizable streets in Boston, especially for a Sox fan.
Then the question came about, "So you don't want to hang out with some guys tonight?" 3am, not so interested in going to a strangers apartment period let alone after you've put out for one.
She says to find her, take her keys and drive home because she doesn't get out much anymore and she didn't want me ruining her night. I nearly punched a metal post stopping myself short of contact to end with slapping the green beast instead.
Attempting to find her, I refused to leave the cover of Fenway period. As the phone tag began to find her I sought the help of the security guards at the Gate. "You're relatively safe over here." is what one of them had said to me. "Relatively" had to be "good enough" for the time. Leaving the relative safety of the guards I walked to "the Citgo Sign" in Kenmore Square finding her and the male with her.
She requested a cigarette and chanced after a group of individuals to ask them disappearing...again.
I turned to the male and said "I'm not normally a bitch but this is bullshit. I just want my ride home at this point and wondering Boston at 3am by myself is not what I consider fun." He said he just wanted to make sure she was safe and she had mentioned me so he needed to know she was safe. If he was looking for me to appreciate the"kind gesture" it was not received in kind.
When my "friend" returned with doritos, from where I don't know. She turns to me and says, "So I'm taking you home." Looks at the other guy and says, "Want to hang out after?" He informed her he was from Philly and was only up here for a bit and had no intention to move up to Boston after one night.
My "friend" stormed off past both of us. I let her go and began yelling for her to turn down YAWKEY WAY billboarding myself to walk down the correct street. She waved me off and continued walking straight into the dark of Boston streets.
My options limited I called...my dad. The minute I knew he was coming to save me the wave of tears hit me.
In those 60 minutes along with texts I received a phone call from a Boston number. My "friend" had her 'you're ruining my life' attitude asking me once again where the car was. I told her it was off Yawkey Way. She said she was trying to get home. I said my ride was coming. Her response, "Oh you have a ride?" There was a male voice in the background, a part of me knows it was the guy from high school when he said "Where is she I'll go get her." My "friend" responded to him "She has a ride she's fine." and hung up. He called back and I heard my "friend" say "NO!" and the phone hung up again.
Waiting for an hour in Boston bymyself, I made sure of three things: 1.) The security guards at gate D were BOTH aware of me 2.) I began texting two people I trust full heartedly in the event tragedy struck there would be a form of a time line to work from and 3.) I parked myself at gate D picnic tables, in the shades but direct line of the guards and did not move for 60 minutes until the phone rang and my ride saved me.
I wouldn't say I was "lost" in Boston, I was simply "left" to fend for myself. With that, like a How To 101 I'd say the best thing I did was not go searching for my "friend" not because I didn't care, but simply because I stood in a well known landmark, no denying the location of while she found her way in and out dark alleys and street corners.
The result being I recieved a phone call at 6:30 saying she couldn't find her car still and the tone in her voice was that of sadness and shock that I would not be bailing her out. Over 50 times I told her where the car was. If she had decided to find her way to the Park on Yawkey Way I would have had no problem directing her more clearly to the parking structure signage on the infamous street.
I'll be mourning the loss of my favorite sweatshirt as it sits in her car and I'm sure there will be deliberate damage to it given how the evening went. There will be other sweatshirts that win me over. As for "friend", if I need quotations to express the relationship, it isn't something I need in my life.
"Who needs enemies with friends like that."
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